The Magic of Christmas!

Caring for a loved one is challenging. Add the pressures of the holidays, and it is overwhelming.
Last year, as Christmas approached, the whole family was in a flux. What do we do for Christmas? Will Mom still be here? Will she be able to participate? All kinds of questions and concerns surfaced.
Knowing that this was going to be her last, we struggled with the "Right" thing to do. No one wanted to make any decisions. No one wanted to decorate or celebrate because it was such a difficult time. Yet, I was determined to make it special.
I put up decorations at Mom's, even though, at that point, she didn't really understand or even remember what time of year it was.
I decorated my own house to try and get in the spirit and maintain some continuity in my own life.
And when I realized that no one wanted to commit to anything, I announced that Christmas would be at my house. I told everyone to do what they needed to do for themselves, but the door was open. I had no idea who would show and how they would deal with their emotions.
As I prepared Christmas dinner, I couldn't stop crying. I cried for my Mother who so loved Christmas. I cried for my family who was so distraught on a day, that Mom always made so magical. And I cried for myself, because my heart was breaking that my Mother would never again be here and the heart of our family.
And, then, the door bell rang. One by one, the family started pouring in! Everyone, even those that I never expected, came in. Arms full, hearts full, and I cried again. This was going to be another magical Christmas!
Mom took her seat at the head of the table and had her entire family together for one last time.
Christmas is family and love, and no matter what the circumstances, when you have them, there will be Magic.

The "New" Normal

Last year, just before Thanksgiving, Mom came to the realization that she would not be able to prepare the Holiday dinner as she always had in the past. She was losing weight, had little energy and the Chemo had taken a toll on her body. This once strong, active, energetic (at one point we bought her an Energizer bunny!) woman, was now weak and frail. She tried, God knows she tried, to set the table and peel the potatoes, but her body just wasn't up for it.

Through the years, she was used to having everyone seated at the table, while she presented dish after dish of lovingly prepared Holiday specialties. And, of course, there was always enough for, as she called it "Cox's Army"! But, this year, she would have to stay seated and let the dishes come to her! Knowing how difficult this would be for her, we decided to change things up. We told her that we would be doing Thanksgiving buffet style. We delicately explained to her, that all those years, we missed the pleasure of her company sitting down with us, because she was busy serving us.

She insisted that this wasn't right, not how we do things, not the normal way we're used to spending the Holiday.

You were so right, Mom! Nothing about this Thanksgiving was what we were used to. Life as we knew it would never be the same. This was the "New" Normal.

It took getting used to, but, every change along the way, from household issues to eating habits, became coined, the "New" Normal.

So, here again, this Thanksgiving, we celebrate another "New" Normal; Thanksgiving without Mom's specialty dishes. Oh, we'll still have them, but without Mom's loving touch and "secret" ingredients. Don't know that we'll ever get used to this "New" Normal. This isn't the normal way we're used to spending the Holiday!

Godspeed!

When I posted the last blog, "Life happens quickly", I had no idea of the events to follow.
Within a day of that posting, everything we had feared and hoped would never happen DID.
A year prior, Mom had been given the diagnosis of 8 to 13 months. Chemo was to help extend that time frame and give her quality of life. Well, if I knew then what I know now! It did neither.
Four days shy of that 13 months, Mom left us to "Go Home".
For 2+ weeks, she kept telling us she wanted to go home. We tried to console her and tell her that she was home, in her own house, but, we didn't realize that she had another home in mind.
Don't really know for sure, if it was dementia, cancer spread to the brain, or the horrific terminal aggression, but her rants and screams were about different stages of her life. In retrospect, she was rewinding her life. Going backwards in her memory. It was frightening and devastating, but, for her, it seems, she was reliving the high points of her life. A life well-lived.
She was a strong, valiant woman, amazing in so many ways. She taught us so many lessons right to the end. Never give up or, as I can still hear her own Mother saying "Put it in God's hands."
That's what we did, Mom. Godspeed!

Life Changes Quickly-- A Personal Journey

As soon as I saw the x-ray, I knew it wasn't good. But, nothing could prepare us for the news that was to follow.
Mom had a bad cold through the holidays that she couldn't seem to shake. We were all preoccupied with the busyness of the season and dealing with the impending loss of My Mother-in-law, Mildred. After Mildred's passing, I insisted Mom get to the Doctor and get treated for that horrible cough. She was active and busy and finally agreed to make an appointment. After some strong medications and lots of fluid and rest, the Doctor told her the bronchitis should clear and she would be back to her old self. Not one to succumb to "a little cold", she forged ahead trying to maintain her usual activities, but, she just didn't have the strength.
After a particularly bad weekend of coughing and fever, I insisted on going to the doctor with her to find out what was happening. I'll avoid the tirade of what happened on that visit-- that is for another story of being sure your elderly parents are receiving appropriate care from their physician--after a few minutes, the nurse came out and told me I should bring my Mother to the ER for an x-ray, that there might be some fluid on her lungs. Apalled by how she was treated, I quickly took her from the office to the ER.
Mom has never been sick and the thought of going to the hospital was upsetting to her. But, I assured her that we needed to get to the bottom of this and she needed some tests.
The initial diagnosis in the ER, was that she probably had pneumonia and would need to be hospitalized. She was terrified. I promised her I would stay with her every step of the way, and that we needed to get her treated.
The Doctor's were asking questions, that made me realize, we were dealing with something much more than pneumonia.
Then, I saw the x-ray.
In less than an hour's time, our world's were rocked.
It has been a year since Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.

I will be posting about this journey. My hope is that, others will learn from my journey, the importance of listening to what is happening to their elder family members and being aware of the need to designate someone as their eyes and ears as they navigate their healthcare journey.